Cigarettes, Whiskey and Wild, Wild Women
by Reefgirl
Summary: The women abord the Daedalus join the Atlantis women for a Girls Night In when they swop stories about how they got the better of the male population. Ch 9 The epilogue is now up, thanks to everyone who read it and reviewed, I had great fun writing it.
1. Chapter 1

Cigarettes, Whiskey and Wild, Wild Women

Dr Elizabeth Weir looked around the mess hall on Atlantis; she noticed Dr Lindsey Novak and Major Emma Cooper from the Daedalus sitting with Dr Kate Heightmeyer and Lt Laura Cadman. She headed towards them, hoping they wouldn't mind her joining them; she really missed female company,

"You're kidding, he insulted you then came on strong" said Cadman to Dr Lindsey Novak "what did you do to the jerk then"

"Well I said 'I may have no control of my diaphragm but at least I don't faint when confronted by Ronan Dex' then I kicked him in the knee and left the deck" she replied, smiling. The four women laughed.

"May I join you?" Weir asked them

"Of course" said Cadman

"What's so funny?" remarked Weir

"Lindsey was telling us about how see managed to shut up Kavanaugh" said Cadman, Weir grinned, having spent a year on the end of one of Kavaunagh's vicious hate campaigns she was glad to see him get knocked on his ass. She looked around the mess again, while the women were only slightly outnumbered by the men, the male population seemed to have taken over what recreational activities there were on Atlantis and geared it towards their pleasure. Weir hunched forward, conspiritally

"How about a girls night in, I got a fresh supply of chocolate from my mother this morning" she said, the other women looked at each other and nodded

"If you're not too fussy about alcohol I maybe able to persuade Dr Zelenka to part with a couple of bottles of his bootleg whiskey," said Cadman, Cooper grinned at Novak

"I'm sure you can get the cook to part with something nice, you've been giving him goo goo eyes since we left Earth" said Cooper, Novak blushed and Weir wondered if she'd start to hiccup

"I...er...um" she breathed in deeply and out slowly "I'm sure I can find something to bring"

"Ok 8pm my quarters, I'll see if Teyla and Dr Kusanagi would like to join us" said Weir

In the science lab, a grumpy Zelenka was plotting his next move against Kavanaugh. The weasely little runt had dropped him in it with Sheppard and thanks to him telling Rodney he'd had to spend 3 days on M7G-677.

"Hi Radek" said a female voice, he turned to look

"Go away" he grouched, Cadman dangled a hand grenade in front of his face

"Two of these for two bottles of your whiskey" she offered "I heard all about what happened with Kavanaugh", Zelenka looked at the grenades and allsorts of ideas started to form

"Done" he said

"My quarters 7.30" she said and then left.

By the time 8pm arrived they had amassed a bit of a banquet, Cadman had produced two bottles of Zelenka's best and Novak had managed to get the Daedalus' cook to part with some ice cream. The women of Atlantis had produced chips, soda, wine; some Japanese sugar cookies and large quantities of chocolate. By 9.30 PM, the sound of giggling could be heard all over the corridor.

"Come on Lindsey tell us all about that episode on the Daedalus with you, Kavanaugh and Hermoid" said Dr Heightmeyer, Novak almost spat her whiskey out of her nose as she laughed

"Well it started when..."

To Be Continued


	2. Lindsey's Story

Lindsey's Story

Dr Lindsey Novak was sitting by herself in the Mess aboard the Daedalus; she had another five minutes before she went on duty. She saw Dr Kavanaugh enter and she tried to slide further down into her seat, hopefully he wouldn't see her.

"Ah Dr Novak, I've been meaning to tell you about your calculations for today's diagnostics" Kavanaugh gave a patronizing laugh, "you don't really think that something like that will work do you, you should really leave things like this to the experts", Lindsey breathed in deeply

"Like me and Hermiod" she replied, he smiled again

"No like me, if I hadn't been stuck in that god-awful city with those god-awful people and that...that...woman, I'd have your job" he said pompously. Not if General Hammond had his way she thought, he'd personally recommended her for this post and had sent her an old family recipe to cure hiccups, for which she'd been eternally grateful. "see you in the engine room and we'll see who is right babes"

In the engine room, Novak and Hermiod were running their diagnostic when Colonel Steven Caldwell's voice came over the intercom

"Dr Novak I'd like you and Hermiod to come up to the Bridge please" he said, Novak looked at the Asgard who shrugged, at least she though he shrugged, you could never tell with him and they left.

After they left Kavanaugh started to override their protocols and run his own diagnostic. He wanted Novak under him in more than one way, so he decided to show Colonel Caldwell just how good he was at this kind of thing, seeing, as he didn't appreciate the reports Kavanaugh had been sending him every week about the inept leadership of Atlantis.

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On the Bridge, Caldwell and the two engineers were going over some logs when his pilot, Major Emma Cooper, noticed a problem occurring.

"Sir we're losing Hyperdrive" she called out

"Drop us out of Hyperspace," he said, making his way back to his chair

"Yes Sir" she replied. He turned to Novak and Hermiod

"Well?" he asked

"I don't know what to say sir, we've been running the regular monthly diagnostic, I made a few modifications which I gave to Hermiod to approve, but they shouldn't have caused the Hyperdrive to malfunction," she explained

"Dr Novak is correct Colonel, I did approve her modifications, they would not have caused this to happen, I made sure of that" said the Asgard "the only thing that could have caused this is if someone were to run a conflicting programme in conjunction with Dr Novak's modifications". It all started to slot into place,

"Kavanaugh" she said between gritted teeth.

Steven Caldwell and the two engineers swept into the engine room to find Kavanaugh running between consoles like a headless chicken.

"Dr Kavanaugh, report please," said Caldwell

"The Hyperdrive engine shut down" said Kavanaugh, Caldwell sighed

"I'm aware of that Doctor," he said

"It must have been the Diagnostic, I said that her calculations were wrong and she shouldn't run them," he said

"You...you...'hic'...damn" she stammered

"I'm not interested in finger pointing at the moment, just get the Hyperdrive back up and running and I'll see you in my office with your reports afterwards," said Caldwell and left.

"You jackass, you 'hic' son of a 'hic' bitch," she screamed "you're not going to 'hic' get away with this" he gave a patronizing smile.

"Oh please your calculations were screwed from the start, if they were perfect they wouldn't have reacted badly with my superior programme" he said, he put his hand on her arse and began to stroke it "of course if we work together on this I might make a favourable mention in my report, if you know what I mean". Novak's eyes widened as the implication of his words set in

"Why you little 'hic' oh for pity's sake" she spluttered

"Oh God, if your control of the engines is anything like your control of your diaphragm then we may as well hitchhike home" he retorted. Some of the personnel started to edge closer, if this turned ugly they may need to wade in to break it up, some of them had seen Lindsey lose her temper before and it wasn't pretty.

"I may have no control over my 'hic' diaphragm but at least I don't faint when confronted by Ronan Dex" she replied, she stamped on his left foot and then gave him a kick in his right ankle that would have had French soccer players clamouring for her to play for them as she stormed out.

Hermiod wandered into the mess hall looking for Dr Novak, he spotted her in the corner, and it looked like she was crying.

"Please Dr Novak, do not upset yourself over Dr Kavanaugh's words", he said, placing a hand on her shoulder, she sniffed.

"I'm sorry Hermiod I didn't mean to leave you alone in there, I couldn't face him, you know he's going to blame me for this and if I don't...'hic'...oh this is a nightmare...if I don't...erm...procreate with him, he'll have my job taken away" she said, Hermiod blinked at her

"Dr Kavanaugh wants you to carry and give birth to his child or he will tell Colonel Caldwell that the engine failure is your fault?" he asked. Novak smiled

"Not have his child but he wants to...um...practise the act that leads to conceiving one" she said blushing

"But the engine failure is not your fault, it is his" replied Hermiod

"I know, but you know what will happen, Colonel Caldwell will ask for my report, I'll get tongue tied, start hiccupping and Kavanaugh will walk all over me and I'll agree to everything he says, I wish I had a backbone" she said

"Leave this to me, I would appreciate it very much if you would help me eradicate Dr Kavanaugh's programme before I am forced to eradicate Dr Kavanaugh" he replied. Lindsey laughed and stood up.

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Six hours later Lindsey and Hermiod were standing outside Caldwell's office waiting for Kavanaugh

"Hermiod are you 'hic' sure this will 'hic'...oh hell...work" she whispered, Hermiod produced a bottle and handed it too her

"Drink this, it will help with the trapped air in your Diaphragm" he said. Lindsey looked uncertainly at him, but at this point, she was willing to do anything. She unscrewed the top and swallowed it down in one, her knees buckled, her eyes crossed and her head started to spin.

"Oh my" she gasped "what is that"; Hermiod didn't answer but pointed to where Kavanaugh was approaching. Lindsey breathed in deeply and tried to focus, she wasn't going to let the smug little shit get away with it.

"Doctors, Hermiod will you come in please" said Caldwell.

After about ten minutes, Caldwell put the reports down

"Well it's obvious that you're both blaming the other for this" he said

"Sir you don't know the half of it, this...this...excuse for the male of the species screwed up my diagnostic with some pretty crummy calculations of his own. Then he ran them behind my back and then he tried to blame me for it. If that wasn't bad enough he hinted that if I slept with him he'd make a favourable report and he thought I was going to go along with it, the creep" Novak exploded

"Is this correct Dr Kavanaugh" asked Caldwell, Kavanaugh looked like he was going to faint

"Of course it's not, I've never made sexual advances to her or any other woman on this ship" he said

"Ha! that's not what I've heard, according to Emma, Vicki, Janis, Laura, Yvonne, Lucy and about a dozen other women he's got more hands than an octopus" said Novak.

"Colonel Caldwell I can corroborate Dr Novak's story" put in Hermiod as he handed over a data crystal. Caldwell went to a screen and viewed the evidence.

"I think the material here speaks for itself, I asked Hermiod to install some Asgard monitoring equipment in engineering after I received a few complaints from the women down there about you Dr Kavanaugh". He tapped his earpiece "I want two Marines in my office to escort Dr Kavanaugh to the Brig" he said.

"You can't do this" protested Kavanaugh

"I think you'll find I can Doctor, Dr Novak, in the light of this evidence no blame will fall on you for this incident" Caldwell said.

"Oh thank you sir, may I go now, I don't feel too good" she replied

"Certainly" he replied dismissing them. If he didn't know any better he could have sworn Novak was drunk, but she wasn't the type and he certainly couldn't smell it on her, she must have found some courage from somewhere. He sat in his chair and started to laugh, he'd have to tell Hank Landry and Jack O'Neill about this.

Outside the office Novak dropped onto one knee and hugged Hermiod

"Thank you so much" she said, she kissed Hermiod's cheek as the guards escorted Kavanaugh out "you're more of a man than he is".

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The women of Atlantis were laughing so hard some of them were doubled up

"Oh I wish I'd been there" said Elizabeth "the thought of that little creep spending a week in the Brig had made my day".

"I had to deal with a man that had many hands once" said Miko Kusanagi. They turned to look at her

"Come on Miko 'fess up" said Laura, Miko smiled at the memories.

"It all started when..." she said

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Next time, Rodney 'Octopus Paws' McKay gets his comeuppance


	3. Miko's Story

Title: Miko's story

Rating: Teen, for content

Summary: Miko Kusanagi tells of the time Rodney's hands went a wandering

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, situations, blah, blah, blah

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Miko's Story

Dr Miko Kusanagi was working at a computer station when she noticed one of the new Lab Assistants come running through the door and into the little office they used as a rest-cum-tea room. Miko followed and saw Dr Laura Trevalyan shakily pour herself a cup of coffee.

"Laura what's the matter?" she asked

"It's Dr McKay, we were working in that little relay station behind the gym and...well...well...he was...you know" she waved her hands in the air "Octopus Paws, I'd never have though Dr McKay was the type to have wandering hands". Miko was shocked, Dr McKay a serial groper, he was guilty of a lot of unpleasant things but this...this was beneath contempt, he was using his authority for his own twisted games. Miko filled her cup with some tea and went back to her desk. She expected it of the soldiers on the base, it is what soldiers did. She blushed as she remembered the day Colonel Sheppard had goosed her here in the lab. It had been early in the expedition and she had been explaining how a piece of Ancient technology worked. After she had finished he'd thanked her and patted her affectionately on the behind, she'd been so surprised that she'd reacted with instinct and thrown him over her shoulder in a perfectly executed Judo move. He'd landed in a pile of computer spare parts. She'd apologised to him for a week, to his credit he apologised for goosing her in the first place and he wasn't angry at all. She'd heard from Dr Beckett that as he was being treated for his injuries he'd sent a memo to all military personnel, which said "Frisk Dr Kusanagi at your own risk, I have the scars to prove it". Later that day Dr Weir had asked to see her, she was dreading the telling off she was going to get, Rodney had yelled at her for an hour. Instead of a reprimand Dr Weir had said she'd reviewed her file and found out she was a Judo black belt, would she be interested in giving some basic self defence lessons, just in case there were more octopus' on base Weir had said with a grin. She was not a prude, she liked the attention on men, what she didn't like was men in authority who used it to treat women disrespectfully. She may respect the traditions of her homeland but she was also a modern girl who believed in women's rights.

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Western men had no sense of honour she'd decided, the soldiers had their own form of honour, to each other, their outfits, their friends, comrades and their dead, the only person who understood what she meant was Ronan. Her friendship with Ronan Dex had started one day when he was waiting to use the Gym, she'd been giving a Judo lesson and was demonstrating a move on Captain Michaels, who was also a judo expert and twice her size, Ronan had been thunderstruck as the little scientist had flipped the Marine over her shoulder and subdued him. He'd sought her out in the mess hall and asked her how she'd managed to fight a man of Captain Michaels size and win, she in turn explained about the concept of Martial Arts, which led to her telling him about Japanese culture, traditions and history. Ronan had been fascinated, particularly by the stories of the Samurai's and had told her all about Sateda in return, including the battle against the Wraith, the only one he'd ever told the whole story to and she had been honoured. From that day the unlikeliest of friendships had started between the diminutive scientist and the giant alien soldier who was over a foot taller than she was, even Rodney had stopped chewing her out for the sheer hell of it in case Ronan got to hear about it. Dragging herself back to the present day she decided to investigate and see how many other women Rodney had been feeling. Radek Zelenka watched Miko moving from desk to desk asking questions of the women in the lab, maybe they were having a girls movie night, no not from the look on her face, he shivered, he didn't want to be on the receiving end of whatever was going through her mind at that moment. Miko had what she was looking for and she had a few ideas of how she was going to strike a blow for the women in the lab.

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She was going to need help in setting her plan in motion and she knew just who could help her, she rummaged in the bottom draw of her cupboard and pulled out a bottle of Saki, smiling she left her room.

Radek Zelenka was enjoying his first night of for ages when he heard the door chime, this had better not be Rodney, he thought

"Come in" he said, the door opened and there stood Miko

"Radek-san I need your help" she said. He wasn't sure but he thought he could see a mischievous smile lurking on her face.

"Of course" he replied, he was intrigued, she went in and closed the door.

The next day it was all in place, all she had to do was wait for Rodney. She was waiting a little way from the transport tube near the mess hall.

"Miko, he's just left the mess he should be at the transport shortly" said Radek into her earpiece

"Is everything ready?" she asked, Zelenka chuckled

"Oh yes, and some" he replied.

She was standing waiting for the tube when Rodney joined her.

"Morning" he said "I didn't see you at breakfast", she smiled

"Good morning Dr McKay, I had some business to attend to near here" she replied. The tube arrived and they both got in. Miko looks nice this morning, thought Rodney, she's wearing make up and her hair's pinned up differently, he gave her the once over and went back to his data pad. Miko tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and tapped her earpiece; Radek heard it and entered the override command into the computer, the tube stopped with a jolt.

"Oh just great" moaned Rodney he was just about to tap his earpiece and give Radek and earful when a movement caught his eye and his mouth dropped open. Miko had taken her lab coat off and she was wearing the shortest skirt he'd ever seen, it wasn't even a skirt it was more like a belt and that top, if she breathed out too quickly she'd have an accident, there couldn't be more than a couple of inches of fabric covering her. Miko took off her glasses, unpinned her hair and started to wiggle her way towards McKay "...erm...um what's going on"

"Oh Dr McKay you have no idea how long I have dreamed of this, I have wanted to be alone with you for so long" she ran her hand over his chest and started to unbutton his shirt

"Miko" he gasped, his voice rising in panic "I'm flattered but..." she grabbed his shirt and kissed him, running her hand across his arse and pinching it

"Ooh nice buns" she said

"I...um...I...ahh...someone? Anyone? I'm trapped in a transport tube" pleaded Rodney. In the lab, all the scientists were gathered around Radek's computer listening in, the women had warned them that Rodney wasn't to be rescued, he was getting what he deserved.

"Dr McKay I know you've had your hands on most of the women in the lab, I couldn't wait for you to get to me so now we are here I'm going to make the most of it" she said

"Someone? Anyone? This is McKay, I need help, I'm desperate" he begged.

Thirty minutes later, after the lab staff couldn't laugh anymore Zelenka released the transport tube. When it hit ground Major Lorne and Sgt Stackhouse saw an impeccably dressed Dr Kusanagi step out, they nodded a greeting to her and went to get in, inside they found a whimpering Dr McKay on the floor.

"She...she... she's an animal, she...she...can't keep her hands to herself...she...she...she..." babbled Rodney. Major Lorne was so worried about him that he called for Dr Beckett. Several people who were passing the lab as Dr Kusanagi entered said the applause and cheers that greeted her reminded them of the winning touchdown at the Superbowl. To this day, no one believed Rodney's story of Miko turning into a sex crazed Hellcat, although some recordings of what happened that day were changing hands at a very healthy profit.

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"Here's to Miko the Hellcat" said Kate

"I'm going to have to see if some of the guys have that recording" said Laura

"I often wondered why Dr Zelenka called Rodney, Octopus Paws" said Elizabeth

"Who's next?" asked Emma "How about you Teyla". Teyla smiled

"Yes, it is amazing how men do not choose their words with care. I was in the gym when..."

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Next Time: Ronan is bought to his knees


	4. Teyla's Story

Teyla's Story

Title: Teyla's Story

Rating: T for sexuality

Spoilers: None

Pairings: Teyla/Ronan

Summary: Teyla tells of how she taught Ronan the true meaning of the phrase 'The Female of the species is more deadly than the Male'

Disclaimer: I own none of the Stargate characters and the story is the product of a warped mind, Blah, Blah, Blah

**Teyla's Story**

She hit the mat with a thud, again. She had been sparring in the Gym with Ronan and this day was not going well for her.

"As much as I respect you as a warrior, you should really leave unarmed combat to the men," said Ronan, patronizingly. Teyla growled and lunged at Ronan in anger, a mistake she acknowledged as her feet were swept out from under her and she landed on her back for a fifth time. He pulled her to her feet and she touched her forehead to his signalling the session was over, she picked up her fighting sticks and strode out of the room.

Foolish woman, she berated herself, you let him make a fool of you and worse you let anger cloud your judgment. She was sitting in the Mess Hall drinking some tea she that Dr Kusanagi had given her, Ronan needed to be taught a lesson, women could fight just as well as men they just used different methods. Teyla smiled to herself as she remembered an Earth saying 'The Female of the species is more deadly than the Male' it was about time the Female became more deadly. The way of the Athosian was to fight but Ronan was a more accomplished fighter than she was, she needed a more devious way to defeat him for that she needed the help of the women from Earth. Teyla had an open invite to Girls Poker Night but she very rarely attended as she didn't know how to play, but from what she'd heard, little poker was played these days, it had turned into a gossiping session. Tonight she would seek out their advice.

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"Teyla you have to realise that all men are the same, be they military, scientist or alien soldier, they keep their brains in their underwear," said Lilah Stirling. All idea of playing cards had been forgotten when Teyla had told them what Ronan had said

"You need to show him you have the upper hand" said Laura Cadman "There's an old saying among women on Earth, if you have them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow" Teyla's eye widened in shock. "Oh no not literally, it means once you have defeated them...um...sexually, the rest is easy," Laura explained.

"What she means is use what the Good Lord and the Ancestors gave you to show Ronan that it is not always physical strength that wins battles but the fact that we women fight dirty," said German scientist, Elsa Müller. Teyla smiled

"Tell me more about, fighting dirty," she said.

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Teyla sent Ronan an email asking her to meet him in a part of the city that hadn't been used since her people left to live on the mainland, she declared that she wanted a rematch and she was going to win, she knew he wouldn't be able to resist a challenge like that.

Ronan came to the room Teyla had mentioned and found her waiting, the woman didn't know when to give up, pride could be deadly he thought. When his eyes adjusted to the dim light he saw she was wearing less clothing than usual, a lot less, he looked her over approving of what he saw, she was a good-looking woman.

"I am glad you could spare the time for this Ronan," she said smiling

"You said you wanted a rematch and this time you would win, I admire such arrogance in a woman." he said, knowing it would make her angry. Teyla began to circle him

"I'm glad you do because I'm going to enjoy seeing _your_ arrogance get what it deserves" she replied. Ronan laughed

"And how are you going to achieve that?" he asked.

"Because we are playing by _my_ rules" she replied. She swiped at his head with one of her fighting sticks, he blocked and retaliated "you need to be tamed Ronan and I'm going to be the one to do it." He was stunned for a moment by the innuendo in her words, Teyla saw it and kicked one of the stick out of his hand "what's the matter Ronan, do I scare you?" she asked mockingly.

"Of course not" he growled, no way was he going to admit that he was un-nerved by Teyla's actions tonight, he reached out to grab her as she twisted out of the way. "You said you wanted to fight so fight"

"I never said I wanted to fight, I said I wanted a rematch and that's what we are having" she said, Ronan lunged out in frustration and Teyla blocked. She could see that the tables were fully turned, he was the one now losing control of his emotions and it was time to bring this to an end, not the end she had discussed with the Earth women. "And I believe I will get what I want" she remarked, licking her lips. Distracted, Ronan never saw the blow to his knuckles coming; with a yelp of pain, he dropped his remaining fighting stick. Teyla held a hand to his throat. "Have you learned your lesson yet?"

"Lesson, what lesson" he remarked. Teyla kicked his feet out from under him and he fell on his back, she put her foot on his chest.

"To choose your words wisely, not to make assumptions that just because women cannot beat you in a physical fight it does not mean they cannot fight in other ways" she said as she sat astride Ronan's hips and pinned his hands to the floor. She leant forward and started to kiss him

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There was a stunned silence as Teyla's story sunk in.

"You and Ronan?" said Laura

"You little minx" said Kate, Teyla smirked

"Ronan has been...a lot more willing to try different forms of combat since that day" she said

"That explains the long hours of combat practise you and Ronan have been putting in" said Elizabeth with a grin "Who's next?"

"How about you" said Lindsey "you must have gotten the better of many men since you came here". Elizabeth grinned as one story came to mind,

"Well I could never resist a challenge, so when John said..."

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Next time - John reckons Elizabeth's job is easy; all she does is sit in her office, right.


	5. Elizabeth's Story

Title: Elizabeth's Story

Rating: T

Spoilers: None

Pairings: John/Elizabeth

Summary: John and Elizabeth spend a day in each other's shoes

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, blah, blah, blah and all that jazz.

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It had started out as a bit of friendly teasing but now it was staring to grate.

"So what are you gonna be doing while I'm out there getting my ass shot at" asked John Sheppard, again.

"Filling out reports, refereeing interdepartmental arguments, keeping the SGC and the international committee up to date on our progress," she replied.

"So nothing as usual, just sittin' here in your nice warm office, with a cup of coffee readin' a few reports, typing a few letters and banging McKay and Zelenka's heads together occasionally" he said, ruffling her hair as he left "think of me meetin' and greetin'. Did I mention getting my ass shot at"?

Elizabeth gritted her teeth and counted to ten in English, Czech and Ancient. This was becoming more than a joke now, John seemed to have got it into his head that all she did all day was sit in her office while he was out there putting himself, his team and occasionally the whole city in danger. The man was a walking disaster area, in fact Carson was thinking of renaming the infirmary the John Sheppard Suite. She knew just what he needed, a mile in her shoes.

John Sheppard was sitting in the Mess Hall with Major Lorne and Sgt Stackhouse when Elizabeth came over to join them

"Colonel Sheppard, I have a proposition for you" she said, John grinned and leant forward to whisper.

"Not in front of the staff" he said as he nodded towards Lorne and Stackhouse.

"You want us to leave you alone Ma'am" said Lorne with a smirk

"Not at all Major. Colonel Sheppard seems to think all I do all day is sit in my office, read reports and drink coffee while he fights for Truth, Justice and the Atlantean way of life. I was about to suggest we spend tomorrow in each others shoes, you spend the day running Atlantis and I will join Teyla and Ronan on your trading mission" she replied. She had him now; he would accept her challenge so he didn't lose face in front of Lorne and Stackhouse.

"Ok" he said "How hard can it be, tomorrow I'll stay at home and drink coffee while you get your ass shot at". Elizabeth knew just how hard it would be, tomorrow was the day the weekly report had to be compiled and there was an unholy row brewing in the Lab between Rodney and Zelenka, and Kavanaugh and some of his cronies. Lorne and Stackhouse started whispering about taking bets on how long he'd last before someone had to bail him out.

**The Next Day**

Elizabeth met Ronan and Teyla by the gate

"It's nice that you can accompany us Dr Weir, but why is Colonel Sheppard not joining us," asked Teyla.

"John seems to think he can do my job better than I can, he also thinks only _he_ can do his" Elizabeth replied. She heard Ronan mutter something; she could have sworn it was 'fool'. "So these people we're meeting, have I bitten off more than I can chew saying I can do this instead of John". Teyla smiled

"These people do not trust strangers well and tend to take offence at any...slight they feel has been inflicted on them, so you may be the best person to negotiate with them" Teyla replied.

"So that means we may be able to leave without running for our lives," remarked Ronan with a sigh "that would be nice for once". The gate started to dial and John appeared on the balcony

"Don't hesitate to call if you get into trouble and I'll come runnin' to the rescue," he said smugly.

"That goes for you to" Elizabeth replied as she and the others stepped through the gate.

John had been sitting at the computer for about 2 hours, jeez, this report was taking forever to compile, and his brain was going to sleep just reading it. There were files in files and bad spelling to be sorted, God he hated paperwork at the best of times. He was slowly beginning to regret accepting Elizabeth's challenge; he wanted something to happen so he had an excuse to leave the paperwork.

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The atmosphere in the lab had been slowly getting worse over the last hour. Rodney had been berating Kavanaugh for the last ten minutes without taking a breath, now Kavanaugh was starting to rant; even Radek was losing his cool.

"I think we ought to get Dr Weir down here to sort this out," said Elsa Müller, Miko agreed and slipped out.

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Miko Kusanagi stopped dead as she ran into Elizabeth's office

"Where is Dr Weir?" she asked. John looked up

"On a trading mission to PM2-593, I'm in charge of the city" he smirked and leaned back in his chair, all he needed was a white cat. "why what's up?"

"Things are getting bad in the Lab, Dr McKay and Dr Kavanaugh are about to beat each others brains out and Dr Zelenka is about to beat both of them, please come and sort this out" replied Miko.

"Anything to get away from these reports" he said as he headed for the door.

In the lab, Elsa Müller and Lilah Stirling were standing between Radek and Rodney and Kavanaugh and his crony Dr Martin McGuire desperately trying to keep them apart.

"Hey kids what's goin' on?" asked John. All four of the scientists started to talk at once "hey hey, easy, Radek why don't you go first"

"This...this...excuse for a scientist and his excuse for an ally have been running unauthorised experiments using power from ZPM" Zelenka spluttered

"Not only that, they went ahead after I'd told them that not only was it dangerous but they could have drained it in a matter of hours. Elizabeth found out what they were doing..." said Rodney

"Only after you told her and we all know how she treats me, like dirt, where is she anyway?" said Kavanaugh

"She's on a trading mission and she's left me in charge," replied John. Kavanaugh started to laugh

"Oh pulease, I know she's not fit to lead the expedition but to go off world and leave _you_ in charge shows she has less sense than I credited her with" he said. John decided to let that insult slip by for now.

"Ok, Rodney you were saying something about Elizabeth finding out about Kavanaugh and McGuire's experiment" he said

"Yes, well after I told her about the chance of the ZPM exploding or draining, Elizabeth told them that they were to stop and she wasn't going to listen to them whine.."

"She didn't say whine she said she wasn't going to listen to arguments over the rights and wrongs of the experiment and we could use one of the dead ZPM's if we wanted" put in McGuire

"And what good is a dead ZPM, if we'd been allowed to carry on we could have found a way to increase the power of the ZPM" retorted Kavanaugh

"Instead you started to drain it, luckily it wasn't significant enough to cause concern but you did cause turbulence inside to cause power fluctuations throughout city," retorted Zelenka.

"Is that bad" asked Sheppard, Rodney shook his head

"We may have some outages for a few hours but it'll straighten itself out by tonight" McKay replied

"What are you going to do about McKay's attitude, he insulted me in front of junior staff, he implied I obtained my degree from Disneyland" moaned Kavanaugh. John was losing his cool rapidly

"Hey I'm talking to the organ grinder, not the monkey" he shot back. John never saw the punch coming, Kavanaugh caught him square on the chin and he went down like the proverbial pack of cards. Lorne and his team were called in to break up the fight that ensued. When Sheppard came round, he threw McKay, Zelenka, Kavanaugh and McGuire in the Brig and left them to stew. Carson was checking him over for concussion and contemplating asking Kavanaugh to join in the boxing tournament that was being planned when the first reports of power outages came through.

"Can I go Doc?" Sheppard asked, "I gotta sort this out before Elizabeth gets back"

"Where is she and why did she leave you in charge" asked Carson. John sighed

"She challenged me to swap places with her for a day, I run Atlantis and she goes on a trading mission, how hard could it be". He replied, Carson laughed

"I've never had to treat Elizabeth for being punched on the chin during a row in the lab, nor have seen her throw the only people that can sort these power problems out, into the brig" he remarked. John groaned

"So can I go and sort it out?" said John

"Aye and take my advice, you're in way over your head, get Elizabeth back to sort this out" said Carson.

John was sitting in the office with his head in his hands listening to half a dozen people shout at him. Dr's Müller and Stirling were shouting at him because he'd refused to let Rodney and Radek out of the Brig. The Chefs were refusing to serve any food because they'd suffered their third power cut in an hour. The medics were demanding to be first in line for repairs which led to them arguing about who had priority over what power was left. John sighed and tapped his earpiece; here comes the humble pie he thought.

"Major Lorne this is Sheppard, can you go and extract Dr Weir I need her to sort this mess out," he said

"Yes Sir" came the reply. John could see the high fives and the money changing hands already, Lorne was going to love this.

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Elizabeth, Teyla and Ronan had just finished the dessert course of the feast the nobles had prepared to signify the end of a successful trading negotiation when Lorne and his team were bought in. Teyla nudged Elizabeth and smirked

"Anything wrong Major?" she asked. Lorne grinned

"Just about everything, Colonel Sheppard requests that you come back and sort things out" he remarked. Elizabeth smiled

"Things are that bad?" she said, Lorne nodded

"On the bright side I did make one hundred dollars from the betting pool" said Lorne. All four of them burst out laughing.

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"Colonel Sheppard I'm receiving Major Lorne's IDC" said Chuck. John came running out of the office closely followed by the chefs and the scientists. Elizabeth, Teyla and Ronan plus a number of the native population came through the gate with supplies; John could have kissed her then and there.

"Successful mission then" he remarked

"Yes, it's all thanks to Dr Weir," said Teyla

"We couldn't have done it without her," said Ronan, enjoying himself.

"I...ah take it Major Lorne has filled you in on all the details" said Sheppard. Elizabeth's lips twitched

"Yes he did, I...er take it you are relinquishing command," she said. He nodded

"Yes, yes I never want to do this again," he said

"Louder John" she whispered

"You've got a cruel streak" he hissed back "Dr Weir I never, ever want to do your job again and I will never again make fun of you having an easy job, please sort this mess out".

Elizabeth walked back up the stairs followed by the others. Within an hour, she had food back in the mess hall, Radek, Rodney, Kavanaugh and McGuire were out of the Brig and fixing the power fluctuations and Atlantis breathed a sigh of relief. The next day she received emails from every department saying what would happen to her if she ever left Sheppard in charge again.

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"I remember that day," said Kate Heightmeyer "Rodney was in therapy for three weeks after being locked in the Brig".

"Who's next?" asked Miko

"Me" said Laura "Some officer's are still sexist pigs. I was talking to Major Lorne one day..."

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Next Time: Major Lorne should have known better that to tell Laura that girls weren't allowed to join in Team Poker Night


	6. Laura's story

Title: Laura's Story

Rating: T all the rest are

Spoilers: None

Pairings: Cadman/Lorne

Summary: Major Lorne _really_ should have know better than to say girls can't play poker

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters blah, blah, blah and the story is the product of a warped imagination and _far_ too much free time

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"What!" Laura stormed at Major Lorne, wondering if calling a senior officer an arrogant asshole would land her with a courts martial.

"Sorry Cadman team poker night is guys only," he explained,

"Then it's hardly _team_ poker night is it" she fumed "I'm a member of said team"

"Yeah but you're also a girl, poker is a guy's game" smirked Lorne. He knew that would get her foaming at the mouth, she was hot when she was angry; the Doc was a fool for letting her go without a fight.

"You're the pits..._Sir_" she spat as she threw her P-90 and sidearm at him and stalked out. She could hear the whoops and jeers as she walked away, she'd show him.

Laura knew more about playing poker than most of the men on base. Her father had taught her to play when she was seven, at fifteen she was a regular at the table when it was his turn to host the weekly game. Many times, she'd been told grudgingly, she was a natural card shark after she'd won a large pot of money. At sixteen she'd bought her first car with her poker winnings, she also got herself suspended from High School for a week for turning the Chess Club into a gambling den. Before joining the Marines, she'd spent two years working as a Croupier so she knew every trick in the book.

In the shower, she was plotting her revenge. Lorne was a good player probably one of the best but he was also a man, which would work against him if she played her cards right, Laura grinned to herself she had just the plan and she would win _big_.

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They were waiting for Chuck to finish dialling the gate, Lorne was looking smug, he must have won a lot of money last night. Laura sidled over to him.

"Good night last night Major?" she asked, Lorne grinned

"Oh yeah, I gotta be five hundred dollars richer this morning" he replied

"You...ah...fancy a little one on one poker with me tonight, winner takes all?" she asked.

"You. Challenging me to a poker game, winner takes all." he laughed",you just made a big mistake girlie, get out while you can". Laura pouted mockingly

"Aww Major, you're not turning me down because you're afraid I might actually beat you are you?" she said. The other team members sucked in a breath and started to chuckle. Lorne looked at them and then back at Cadman, he smirked.

"Ok, it's your funeral" he replied. The gate opened and the other two stepped through "I hope you've got plenty of cash", Laura leaned in closer to him

"Don't bother with money it's Strip Poker, unless you're too chicken" she whispered. Lorne swallowed then grinned

"Even better" he replied

"My place, eight o'clock" she said as she walked through the gate, Lorne couldn't wait, the gods were surely smiling on him.

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Laura had everything in place; he'd be out of her room by the time of the ten o'clock shift change.

At eight o'clock Lorne arrived with some beer, they sat down and she started to deal. She 'lost' the first couple of hands, which left her wearing her jeans, socks, and the bra that made the best of her cleavage. Lorne was really enjoying himself now; in a few more hands she'd be naked. Laura decided that he'd been too smug for too long, she shuffled the deck and with slight of hand she loaded the deck in her favour. She gave him a wanton smile and dealt.

At nine forty-five he was down to his boxers and holding a pair of fives, he was really starting to regret this he was sure she was stacking the deck but couldn't prove it, what a time for lady luck to abandon him.

"Call" he said.

"One, two, three, four aces" she said with a grin

"Pair of fives" he groaned

"Come on hand them over," she said, laughing. He took off his shorts and handed them to her; she picked them up with the rest of his clothes, went over to her footlocker, threw them in and locked it.

"Awww c'mon Laura" he pleaded "I'm sorry, what more do you want from me", she grinned

"You know, you should really read the personnel files more thoroughly," she said

"Why?" he asked

"Then you'd know that I was a croupier in a casino in Atlantic City for two years before I joined the Marines" she replied. He frowned

"You've been loading the deck" he remarked, she looked down at him and nodded

"And it was worth it too" she said with a smirk

"Look I'm sorry I said you couldn't play poker with us, now please give me my clothes back," she said. Laura shook her head and started to push him towards the door "Laura...no...please...Laura...my clothes"

"You can have them back tomorrow," she said. They reached the door and Laura leant towards him and kissed him, Lorne responded.

"G'night Major" she said and pushed him out of the door. Lorne rested his head against her door, there was no other way back to his room than via the Mess Hall, he took a deep breath and walked off.

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Rumours were flying all the next day that Major Lorne had been seen leaving Lt Cadman's room without a stitch of clothing. Stories were coming out of med bay that an extremely unhappy Dr Beckett had given Major Lorne his shots with the biggest, bluntest needle he had.

Lorne was in his room sulking, not only had Laura proved to be a much better poker player than he ever thought, she'd planned the perfect revenge, she was good he though, grudgingly. There was a knock at his door.

"Come in" he said, the door opened and Laura stood there wearing his clothes.

"You wanna win them back?" she said with a wink. He grinned

"Only if we play something other than poker," he said.

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Laura finished her story with a grin.

"And from that day to this I've been invited to every team poker night" she said "and...ah...a few private ones too".

The women laughed

"Lucky you" said Miko.

"Emma, why don't you tell them about the time you wanted promotion" said Lindsey, Emma smirked

"A place came up for someone to command the Daedalus on the night watch..."

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Next Time: The Daedalus needs a third commanding officer for the night watch, Emma Cooper wants the job, Caldwell doesn't think she has the balls, he finds out just how dirty women can fight.


	7. Emma's Story

Title: Emma's Story

Rating: T as all the rest are

Spoilers: Critical Mass

Pairings: Emma Cooper/Steven Caldwell

Summary: The Daedalus needs another commander for the Night watch, Emma Cooper wants the job but Colonel Caldwell doesn't think she has the balls, she proves how dangerous it is to underestimate a woman.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters blah, blah, blah.

Author's Note: This isn't as good as the others but then I always knew this one was going to be difficult as both Characters are relatively unknown

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"I'd like to apply for the vacant post as the commander of the night watch," said Major Emma Cooper to Colonel Steven Caldwell. He raised his eyebrows and smirked,

"I admire your enthusiasm Major but you've only been a member of the crew for six months," he said.

"May I speak freely sir?" she asked, he nodded

"Of course" he said

"What's that got to do with anything?" she replied. That surprised him; he wasn't used to his crew questioning him,

"Nothing at all, I was just saying that maybe you should wait a while before trying for promotion, I have a number of candidates in mind...," he said

"Which doesn't include me" she retorted. He smiled at her

"I just think this job is more suited to a man" he replied, she gave a snort of laughter.

"Oh now we're getting somewhere, you're not going to consider me because I'm a woman," she said. Caldwell scowled

"Remember who you're talking to Major" he said, Emma swallowed

"Yes sir, I'm sorry sir" she replied.

"I know I can't refuse your application but I really think you'll be out of your depth here," he said

"I'd like to try sir, I believe I'm the best candidate for the position" replied Emma. Caldwell smiled in surprise

"That's a pretty arrogant statement Major," he said, Emma smiled

"Yes sir, so you'll put my name on the list" she replied

"Yes I will Major and rest assured I will make my selection on ability not gender," Caldwell said

"Thank you sir" she replied, saluted and left his office. Caldwell leaned back in his chair, Emma Cooper had some nerve and he admired that in a woman, she was a good pilot and well liked among the crew, he had no doubt she'd pull out all the stops to impress him and so would he.

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"I hear you're going for the Night watch job," said Lindsey Novak

"Yep" Emma replied

"And I hear you shot your mouth off to Caldwell" Lindsey remarked, Emma blushed.

"Don't remind me, do you know he told me that he considered it man's job" Emma replied

"Well he is the old fashioned type, you know, a woman's place is on her back" said Lindsey, grinning.

"I don't think he's really recovered from Dr Weir going over his head and giving the Military command of Atlantis to Colonel Sheppard, he's got something against women in command." said Emma

"Well we're routing for you, Major Tyler is a letch and Major Martinez hasn't a clue, good luck," said Lindsey.

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Caldwell was looking over the reports he'd had from the battle simulations with Majors Tyler and Martinez, he wasn't entirely impressed with either of them but if push came to shove, he'd pick Tyler. He was just finishing up the battle simulation plans for Major Cooper, after her arrogant claims that she was better than a man he'd made sure hers was going to bring her down a peg or too. Women really had no place in command of the Daedalus or Atlantis.

Emma Cooper was sitting in the Commander's Chair on the bridge, this was routine stuff, she knew there would be a battle simulation during her 8 hours in command but the waiting was beginning to grate. Maybe Caldwell was just humouring her,

"Major we're losing power to the hyperdrive" said Captain Kleinman, Emma got up and stood behind him.

"Bring us into normal space," she said

"Yes ma'am" he replied

"Engine room this is the Bridge, what happened" she asked into her earpiece.

"I do not know I am checking," replied Hermiod

"Thank you" she replied,

"Major three Wraith cruisers are exiting Hyperspace" said Kleinman.

"Hermiod, any luck with the engines," she asked,

"I'm afraid someone has erased all the command codes," replied Hermiod. Damn him, thought Emma this was a new tactic.

"Ok wake Dr Novak and ask her to take over from you, also wake Agent Barrett I want the two of you to work on finding out who broke into the systems and erased the codes," she said

"What the hell are you doing that for" yelled Lt Brown "we need Hermiod working on the engines", Emma rounded on him.

"Dr Novak is the most experienced human on the ship she can take over while Hermiod and Agent Barrett work on who erased the codes, in case you haven't been listening we have a spy on board." She retorted "I don't need to explain my self to you", Brown went back to his console grumbling.

"Ma'am the Wraith are powering up their weapons" said Kleinman.

"Shield status," she said

"One hundred percent Ma'am" replied Kleinman

"Weapons get a lock on them, target their engines, do not fire unless fired upon first," she ordered. Major Carlton looked at her aghast,

"Ma'am" he said incredulously

"Those are my orders gentlemen, they're posturing, if they weren't they'd have fired by now" she replied. Caldwell entered the Bridge

"Major what's the situation?" he asked

"The Hyperdrive is down, Hermiod says our command codes have been erased by persons unknown, Dr Novak is working on trying to restore power to them, Hermiod and Agent Barrett are trying to find out who's doing this" she replied. He raised an eyebrow, he was impressed with this new tactic of hers.

"What about them", he nodded towards the screen,

"Weapons are locked on the engines, I'm waiting for them to make the first move" she replied.

"Are you sure that's wise Major" he remarked

"Yes sir, I can't afford to get into a fight with our Hyperdrive down" she replied. He nodded and walked to a console at the back of the Bridge,

"Ma'am the shields are dropping and one of the cruisers is moving to intercept us," said Kleinman

"Major Cooper we must open fire on them" said Lt Brown

"And risk them returning fire while our shields are down" she retorted "No". Brown sat back down grumbling

"Novak do we have sublight?" Emma asked

"Yes" came back the reply

"Kleinman evasive manoeuvres" she said

"Yes Ma'am" he replied as his hands moved over the console "Major, sublight will not respond our shield is down to fifty percent and still dropping",

"Major Cooper I am relieving you of command," said Caldwell. Emma raised an eyebrow at him; she could fight just as dirty as he could

"Mutiny sir" she said. Caldwell laughed

"You forget this is my ship Major," he said

"But I am in command" she said. She inclined her head slightly as a voice spoke through her earpiece "And you sir are a traitor and a mutineer, Sergeant Barnes, Sergeant Bunce escort Colonel Caldwell to the Brig". A gasp ran around the bridge, simulation or not Caldwell was going to chew her out over this. "Colonel Caldwell is responsible for our engines being offline AND the Wraith being here". The two soldiers didn't move "That is an order" she bellowed, the two men grabbed Caldwell.

"Major the cruiser is lowering its shields" yelled Kleinman "They are preparing to board us"

"Fire at will" she ordered. A volley of weapons fire hit the Wraith ship and it exploded. Emma sank onto the chair and tried to steady her breathing,

"Well done Major, unorthodox but interesting" said Caldwell

"Is the simulation over sir?" she asked

"Not yet, it will be in six hours though" he replied. she looked at him, was he patronizing her, she sighed, if she was going to get the book thrown at her she may as well make it worth while.

"Sergeants please escort Colonel Caldwell to the Brig, you heard him, this simulation isn't over for another six hours," she said. The guards led Caldwell away and Emma settled into her chair, she was going to enjoy her last few hours before she took Caldwell's place in the Brig.

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"And so, based on the performances during the Battle Simulations I'm giving the post of Night watch commander to Major Emma Cooper" said Caldwell, Majors Martinez and Tyler shook her hand. She was still looking shell shocked when Caldwell dismissed them "Major Cooper, a moment please"

"Sir I...um... I don't know what came over me...I" she started. He held up his hand and she stopped talking,

"I'm man enough to know when I should apologise" he said, "I'm sorry I _ever_ doubted your ability to command the Daedalus". She was taken aback "but next time you feel the need to get your own back, don't lock me in the Brig"

"May I speak freely sir" she replied

"I wouldn't expect anything less from you" he replied with a laugh, her eyes glinted

"Never underestimate a woman," she said. He burst out laughing

"I never will again" he said "oh, and Major when we get back to Earth, join me for a drink?" She smiled

"Thank you sir" she replied, saluted and left.

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Elizabeth stared at Emma, her mouth open.

"You locked Caldwell in the Brig?" she asked. Emma smiled smugly

"He said I had more balls than Major Martinez and Major Tyler put together" she replied

"Ok Kate you're the last one" said Laura, Kate smiled

"I'm sick of Doctors treating psychiatry as a 'Soft Subject'. So when Carson started to tease me about my job being easy I..."

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Next Time: Kate plays on Carson's worst nightmares


	8. Kate's Story

Title: Kate's Story

Rating: T - for psychological terror

Spoilers: None

Pairings: Kate/Carson

Summary: Sick of Carson's jibes about Psychiatry being 'Soft Medicine' Kate plays on his deepest fears

Disclaimer: I own none of the Stargate characters blah, blah, blah, so on and so forth.

Author's Notes: I am not belittling phobias nor do I advocate the use of them as a psychological weapon. I suffer from Mottephobia (Fear of Moths and Butterflies) and my other half suffers from Agoraphobia (Fear of Crowds)

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Kate was sitting in the mess hall; she had a couple of hours to kill before her next patient

"Hello Kate, no work then?" said Dr Carson Beckett, Kate sighed; here we go again she thought.

"Not for the next couple of hours" she replied,

"Ye could always give me a hand in med bad, although we use our hands rather than our mouths," he said with a smirk

"Don't start on me Carson, psychiatry is just an important part of medicine as general practising" said Kate slamming down her cup

"Alright lass don't get ye knickers in a twist," he said laughing, "Ye should have a chat with yourself about anger management"

"Just you wait until you need me," she said, getting up and stalking away from him.

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"GET IT OFF ME! GET. IT. OFF. ME!" screamed Carson, flapping his hands over his head "oh God it's on my neck, get it off me"

"Jesus Carson you sound like my sister" said Rodney "hold still I can just see it, yes...got it". Rodney picked the tiny spider off Carson's neck and dropped it on the floor, Carson's heartbeat started to return to normal

"You're scared of spiders?" said Ronan, Carson scowled.

"Its medical name is Arachnophobia and yes I am," he said with a huff, Ronan smirked "I see that laddie and I'm sure there is something that gives you the shudders". Ronan shook his head

"No" he replied, Teyla rolled her eyes

"Dr Heightmeyer says facing your fear is sometimes the best way to overcome it" she said, "If we are to become allies with these people and you are to teach them healthcare you need to overcome your fear of spiders". Carson sighed; he was not going to go to Kate Heightmeyer for all the whisky in Atlantis. Carson gasped as a spider scuttled across his foot and he ran out of the hut.

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"Carson I think Teyla is correct, you will have to overcome your fear of Spiders if you are going to set up a clinic on that planet, we can't have our CMO running for cover every time one peeks out of a corner" said Elizabeth

"Screaming like a girl is not going to do anything for your coolness either," remarked John Sheppard. Carson glared at him

"Aren't you due for some shots soon laddie?" said Carson with an evil glint in his eye, John closed his mouth and kept quiet.

"Boys, please. Carson I'd like you to see Dr Heightmeyer for some help to overcome your fears" she remarked, Carson sighed, he was going to eat a healthy dose of humble pie.

Carson knocked on Kate's office door

"Come in Carson" she said, he went in and saw her dressed for an excursion

"Are we going somewhere?" he asked. Kate nodded

"We are going to the mainland," she said smiling; she grabbed his hand and led him to the jumper bay.

In the jumper, which was piloted by Sgt Stackhouse, Kate was explaining to Carson why they were off to the mainland. Teyla had told him about the spiders that inhabited the mainland and Kate had decided that the best way best way to confront his fears was to face them, after all it was standard psychiatric practise in cases of Arachnophobia.

"Dr Heightmeyer, Dr Beckett, welcome to the mainland," said Halling "we have prepared a hut for your purposes". Carson blanched; she wasn't going to do what he thought she was going to do,

"Kate...please...no" he said, Halling blocked his way.

"Oh yes Carson" she replied sweetly, Halling put his hands on Carson's shoulders and guided him into the hut with Kate following.

Inside the hut there were spiders in glass boxes, Kate indicated a chair and Carson sat, he gulped and started to sweat as Kate picked up one of the boxes and put it in Carson's hands, the spider climbed up the inside of the box, Carson's hands were shaking now. Kate opened the box and picked up the spider,

"Would you like to stroke it Carson?" said Kate.

"Kate please, if this is your idea of revenge over what I said about you..." he babbled

"No Carson this is standard practise to cure phobias, but then this is 'Soft Medicine' so it shouldn't be that bad should it?" she replied, "come on Carson give her a stroke".

The screams could be heard all over the Athosian village.

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A week later Kate walked into the infirmary.

"Ah Carson how did things go at the clinic?" she asked

"Fine thanks lass" he replied

"No problems?" she said

"A couple of huge spiders made my heart beat a bit faster but I managed to contain myself," he said. Kate smiled,

"That's good, I believe that several of the Athosian's had to be treated for tinnitus after our visit," she said as she took off running, Carson chased her down the hall

"You get back here woman" he yelled.

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"Naughty Kate" said Laura, laughing

"I have enjoyed myself so much this evening," said Elizabeth

"We should do this every time the Daedalus comes in," said Miko. All the women agreed, Elizabeth filled everyone's glasses

"A toast, to the Women of Atlantis, long may we reign" toasted Elizabeth"

"The Women of Atlantis" they chorused

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This is the last story but I will put an Epilogue up.


	9. Epilogue You Don't Own Me

Title: Epilogue

Rating: K

Spoilers: None

Pairings: None

Summary: The morning after the night before and the women carry on.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters I just borrowed them.

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"So it's all agreed, we'll have a girl's night on the first and last night of Daedalus' visit," said Elizabeth, the others agreed.

"Did anyone else see that film...oh what was it called...it was all about women who got their own got their own back on their husbands?" said Laura.

"The First Wives Club" replied Emma, Laura sat up

"That's it, we need something like that"

"I saw that film too, I liked the song they sang at the end "You Don't Own Me"" said Kate.

"Oh I saw that too, I think I've got the soundtrack" said Elizabeth, she went over to her CD collection and started to hunt through it "Ah here it is". She put it on and the voices of Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn and Diane Keaton began to sing about women and attitude.

"Brilliant, that song is us" said Lindsey. Laura nodded

"Yes that's us, we are women do what we want, when we want, and to whom we want," Laura said with a wink "The "You Don't Own Me" Club". The other women cheered, Elizabeth raised her glass

"Ladies I bring to an end the first meeting of the You Don't Own Me Club" she said, the others raised their glasses and toasted their new club

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**The Next Day**

Sheppard picked up his breakfast tray and went to join McKay, Carson, Major Lorne, Ronan and Colonel Caldwell at a table, as he passed Laura Cadman and Lindsey Novak they started to giggle. He looked over his shoulder and frowned at them and they started to laugh even more. He joined the others as Lindsey and Laura went and joined the other women on another table,

"I think we're in trouble," he said as he sat down

"Huh" said Rodney, Sheppard nodded towards the group of laughing women.

"I know they had a girls night last night, I overheard Elizabeth ask Teyla to join them and I have a feeling they trashed us" he said, the women were nudging each other, pointing and laughing.

"I thought my ears were burning," said Carson.

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Dr Lindsey Novak marched into the Daedalus' engine room whistling and she starts to run through her pre-flight checks.

"Dr Novak why are you blowing air through your lips in that manner" asked Hermiod,

"It's called whistling and I'm doing it because I'm happy" she replied

"Did you do something that made you happy last night" he asked. Novak grinned

"Yes and I had a wonderful time" she went over to Hermiod's console and leaned her elbow on it. She rested her chin on her hand "you don't have women on your planet do you?" she said. Hermiod's eyes widened and he shook his head,

"We do not have different genders we have no need" he replied, Lindsey smiled at him

"Then you have no idea how much we girls need time with other women when we are surrounded by men all day" Hermiod shook his head. "One day when we have a few hours to spare I'll explain what a Girls Night is to you" she said and carried on whistling You Don't Own Me, Hermiod sighed, if he spent the rest of his days among humans he would never understand them, human females would take two lifetimes to understand.

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In the Lab Dr Miko Kusanagi was singing softly in Japanese. She had strolled into the lab earlier with her head held high, she'd winked at Radek, blew a kiss at Rodney and thrown a used tea bag at Kavanaugh, she had then whispered and giggled through Rodney's briefing like a naughty schoolgirl. Rodney raised his eyebrows at Radek and then looked at Miko; Radek shrugged and shook his head, unable to contain his curiosity any longer Rodney crossed over to Miko's desk.

"Goodnight last night?" he asked, Miko stopped singing and looked Rodney in the eye, he was surprised because Miko usually kept her eyes down when she talked to him.

"Very nice thank you" she replied

"What did you do?" he asked, casually

"I spent time with Dr Weir and some of the women of Atlantis and the Daedalus" she said

"So it was a bitching session then" he said. Miko grinned

"We did talk about some Atlantis Personnel, yes" she said, Rodney swallowed

"Did you talk about me?" he asked. Miko burst out laughing making other scientists look up, they weren't used to hearing Miko laugh, usually Rodney made her cry.

"Oh yes I talked about you, the other women really liked hearing about you" she said with a smirk. A flash of fear squashed the ego that was swelling in Rodney's chest when he saw the evil glint in her eye; she reached her arm around his waist and pinched his arse. Radek looked up sharply as he heard Rodney yelp, he saw him back away from Miko, his cheeks flushed. Miko carried on singing You Don't Own Me, this time in English. Radek bent his head over his computer so Rodney couldn't see him laughing.

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"Good night last night Major?" asked Colonel Steven Caldwell

"Beg pardon Sir?" said Major Emma Cooper.

"You've been humming that little ditty ever since you came on board" he said. Emma grinned

"Yes sir Dr Novak and I met up with some of the women from Atlantis and we...well we had some fun" she said

"At my expense?" he remarked. Emma's lips twitched as she though back to Elizabeth's reaction to her story,

"No sir not _just_ you, we had fun at the expense of a lot of other people too" she said with a smile.

"Hmm I'm not sure if I like this side of you Major" he replied teasingly, Emma turned to look at him and grinned

"Sir you have _no_ idea of what I can do" she replied. Steven Caldwell wasn't sure whether he wanted to know or not but he did know he was going to watch his back whenever she was in this mood.

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Laura Cadman was whistling whilst cleaning her P-90.

"Missed you at the game last night Cadman" said Major Lorne "after all the fuss you made I thought you'd never miss one", he was also cleaning his weapon.

"I had other things to do, much more satisfying than poker" she said with a grin. Lorne smirked at her

"Oh yeah I thought you were with 'the girls' all night" he said

"I was"

"Oh and that was more satisfying was it" he said with a leer. Laura tutted

"Major Major Major" she sighed "when will you ever get your mind out of the gutter, it's amazing how similar we women are". She got up crossed over to where he was sitting and sat astride his lap, "Y'see you may be my CO and all that but I decide what I do, when I do it," she licked her lips "and with whom" she started kissing him. "That's something you guy's have got to get used to, You Don't Own Us"

"God bless women's lib" murmured Lorne.

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Dr Kate Heightmeyer was humming softly

"Pretty tune you've got there lass" said Carson Beckett.

"Thank you Carson, I like it" she replied

"So did you have fun last night?" he asked. Kate smiled thoughtfully

"It was an interesting experience, professionally speaking" she said, Carson arched his eyebrows

"Professionally speaking?" he queried

"Yes, a lot of repression was unburdened last night I think, call it group therapy if you will" she said with a smirk "if fact I'm going to recommend it to the SCG. I'm sure Colonel Carter and Dr Lam can come up with something..." she ran her tongue over her top lip "interesting. I'm sure that will be a report worth reading" Carson grinned.

"If we're talking medical practises here, I'd like to see a report about last nights activities, seeing as I'm the CMO and you're going to be reporting your findings to the SGC" he said hopefully. He'd love to know what went on last night. Kate grinned and leant closer to him

"If you read that report you'd be on my couch for a month" she whispered. Carson gulped.

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Teyla Emmagen was singing to herself as she was checking the emergency supplies in the Puddle Jumpers.

"Is that something your Grandmother taught you?" asked Ronan. Teyla smiled

"No it is something the women of Earth taught me" she replied. Ronan frowned

"Earth songs have no soul, no story" he remarked, she smiled

"A lot of Earth songs say what you want to hear, to me this song says I am free, I do not need you to tell me how to live my life, I do not belong to you" she replied. Ronan laughed

"I can't see you belonging to anyone" he said

"I am lucky that I was bought up to believe that I am equal to a man, some women are not as lucky, even on Earth" she said.

"So you are going to preach freedom from men to the women of the galaxy" he said

"No I have too much work to do here" she said with a smirk. Ronan frowned

"Meaning me" he growled

"You are learning to appreciate women" she said. He grinned lustily "but there are others that need teaching" she smiled "Sgt Stackhouse could do with a few lessons" she murmured. Ronan growled again and advanced towards her,

"You are not going to teach him _anything _" he said. She put her hand on his chest and kept him at arms length,

"You are my lover Ronan Dex you do not own me, unless you'd like to try make me a good, obedient woman" she said. Several people had reported seeing Ronan chase a laughing Teyla down the corridor, several more people warned Carson to expect one or both of them in the infirmary later on.

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Elizabeth was in her office, she was humming a tune to herself as she worked on her computer. She'd received several emails from her friends recommending other women to join the You Don't Own Me Club, this was going to be a fun project.

"Hi Elizabeth, have a fun night with the girls?" said John Sheppard

"Yes I did, in fact we're planning to have more next time the Deadalus comes in" she replied

"I take it we, the men, got trashed" he said, Elizabeth laughed

"You don't really expect me to answer that do you?" she said

"No I don't" he replied "but I have to tell you, I've been getting some strange reports since this morning" Elizabeth donned her diplomat's mask. It seemed the women were obeying Rule 1, Go out and give attitude to any man you meet.

"Really, you'll have to let me have a look later on" she said. John smirked and perched himself on her desk

"Your place or mine?" he said. Elizabeth sighed and put her hand on his chest,

"Back off Romeo" she said, John pouted and gave her his 'Kicked Puppy' look, it always worked for him. "Forget it John, it's not going to work on me", he sighed, he'd been so used to getting his own way with the women on the base that this new attitude he'd been seeing was un-nerving. He knew Elizabeth was behind it, he needed some guy time and he knew just the guys to help him restore the status quo.

"Ok boss, you'll have my reports by this evening" he said as he turned round to leave. Elizabeth smirked, she had him just where she wanted him. John smiled as he sent emails throughout the city, soon he'd have her just where he wanted.

**FIN**

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Thanks to everyone who read this and sent in reviews, they have been very much appreciated. I've left the ending open so if anyone wants to write a Guy's Night In they are more than welcome. Thanks again for everything, you folks are the greatest.


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